Wednesday, February 10, 2010

FEAR...and other stuff!!!

Psalm 3:6 says, "I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side"

The things around me consume me. I allow things to eat at me, consume my thougths, feelings and sometimes even my actions. I hate it when one thing that you have happen or see can bring on feelings and thought's that are not really in your true nature. I feel like sometimes one thing can feel like tens of thousands of things rising up all around me and against me. The last three years I have delt with health issues and crazy things coming at me and I was able to handle those things in a much better way...almost too good I sometimes feel. I thank God for that!!! Right now my heart is so heavy and I feel angry, anxious, the fear of the get the point! My biological father entered my life in a non existent way two years ago when I first became sick. We were searching for family history to help us find out if there is something in his family that would help us understand what was wrong with me...hoping that it would lead to answers to why I was sick and what I may have. At this time I found out that this man was suffering from male breast cancer....which a year later I found turned into bone cancer...which now I just found out turned into a tumor in his pituitary gland. I was awakened last Monday morning and had felt the need to email his ex-wife and see if she had any new information on his condition, I thought ok as soon as I get Emmlayn off to school I will send this email....well she beat me to it! I received an email just as I was ready to sit and write her...thanks God! My answer was in front of me before even asking it! With this email came the news of the tumor they just found along with the news that it could be any time now that he would be gone. So many things raced through my "I have to meet him", "how can live with not ever knowing him", "I can't meet the family I have never met at a funeral for the first time" get the point! Luckily I had a dear friend who was there for me and prayed for me and really gave me peace about what I had just found out. Wow...this blog just went way further than I had intended!!! My point is....I have allowed to let this situation and all that comes with it attack me now for over a week!! I have allowed this man and his family to dictate everyday of my life for over a week now!!!! I have allowed myself to not seek God and His will and His comfort in this situation...I let my friend do that for me, I am grateful for that intervention but I should have continued the prayer and seeking on my own too! As I sit here with tears filling my eyes I have realized by writing this that I have allowed this situation to cause pain, hurt, anger, frustration, fill my home....I am so sorry God...I know better! I want you all to know that as I listened to Pastor Chucks sermon today (I missed Sunday) and after listening to Pastor Tony on Monday night I have realized that I can't allow my situation to take over in such a way that it defines me!! I do that a lot...I allow my situations to define me! Don't let your situations take over in such a way that you feel out of control, on a roller coaster, so hurt that you can't function daily...this is not what God desires for us...for me! He desires to work with me through these crazy times in the dessert...gosh after going through all this less than two years ago you would think that I would have it down....God is certainly using this as a reminder and another lesson!

1 comment:

  1. You are soo my inspiration, wish I could be more like you. Love you Tosha.