I can't tell what a difference I feel after getting all of that off my chest yesterday!!! If you are like me and you tend to hold all things in you totally understand what I mean!!! I want to share a little with you about the things God had planned for my life when He chose my parents. God knew exactly what He was doing...imagine that!!!! I have the most amazing mom you could ask for...not saying we haven't had our differences...believe me we have...but my mom is that mom that most people would die to have...she stands by me, loves me unconditionally, understands me, allows me to be, me! She has been my biggest fan and support and always been in the stands cheering the loudest!!! When I was sick and in the hospital my mom was off work staying with me during the day and Robert with me at night. My mom...she is a true from God!!!
Now there is my dad...Bob Hardcastle!!! This man is THE most amazing dad!!!!!!! I have to admit that I never really got to know him until I was in my adult years...don't get me wrong, he was always around...I just never took the time to really know him!!! I have this image that has been in my mind and heart since I was little....me, my mom and my dad in a court room talking to a judge....no I was not in trouble...hahahaha!!! My dad was adopting me....I was no longer a Johnston...I was now a Hardcastle....THANK YOU LORD JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad is so loving, patient, kind, respectful, caring, understanding, compassionate....so you get the point....if you do not know this man....YOU SHOULD!!!! This is the man that was cheering in the stands, at all the dance recitals, at all the volleyball games....again you get it!!!! This is the man that I would go on walks with my mom and have to pick up any kind of nut and bolt that I found to give to him for his tool box. This is the man that would take a piece of wood and start driving nails into it and then hand me the hammer so that I could hang out in the garage with him and do cool daddy stuff! This is the man who danced (reluctantly) with me to "My Girl" at my wedding!!! This is the man that while I was sick and in the hospital was at my side and shared God's truth me about all I was feeling and told me that he wasn't sure why I was going through what I was but he knew God knew!!! This was also the man who took on an infant and a 6 year old all on his own while I was in and out of the hospital and at home healing. I have to say....my last blog was my feeling in weakness, it was about sharing with you how I hold on to things and keep things hidden in my heart, it was about how God has another time of growing for me through this part of my life journey....I am happy and proud of my family! I am so blessed and overwhelmed (in a good way) at times at how fortunate I am to have the parents I have. I am here to say Thank You Lord for my parents. My biological father chose his life...the drugs...the woman...the controlling mom....but God had another plan for me! I embrace God's plan!!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
FEAR...and other stuff!!!
Psalm 3:6 says, "I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side"
The things around me consume me. I allow things to eat at me, consume my thougths, feelings and sometimes even my actions. I hate it when one thing that you have happen or see can bring on feelings and thought's that are not really in your true nature. I feel like sometimes one thing can feel like tens of thousands of things rising up all around me and against me. The last three years I have delt with health issues and crazy things coming at me and I was able to handle those things in a much better way...almost too good I sometimes feel. I thank God for that!!! Right now my heart is so heavy and I feel angry, anxious, the fear of the unknown....you get the point! My biological father entered my life in a non existent way two years ago when I first became sick. We were searching for family history to help us find out if there is something in his family that would help us understand what was wrong with me...hoping that it would lead to answers to why I was sick and what I may have. At this time I found out that this man was suffering from male breast cancer....which a year later I found turned into bone cancer...which now I just found out turned into a tumor in his pituitary gland. I was awakened last Monday morning and had felt the need to email his ex-wife and see if she had any new information on his condition, I thought ok as soon as I get Emmlayn off to school I will send this email....well she beat me to it! I received an email just as I was ready to sit and write her...thanks God! My answer was in front of me before even asking it! With this email came the news of the tumor they just found along with the news that it could be any time now that he would be gone. So many things raced through my thoughts...ie. "I have to meet him", "how can live with not ever knowing him", "I can't meet the family I have never met at a funeral for the first time" again...you get the point! Luckily I had a dear friend who was there for me and prayed for me and really gave me peace about what I had just found out. Wow...this blog just went way further than I had intended!!! My point is....I have allowed to let this situation and all that comes with it attack me now for over a week!! I have allowed this man and his family to dictate everyday of my life for over a week now!!!! I have allowed myself to not seek God and His will and His comfort in this situation...I let my friend do that for me, I am grateful for that intervention but I should have continued the prayer and seeking on my own too! As I sit here with tears filling my eyes I have realized by writing this that I have allowed this situation to cause pain, hurt, anger, frustration, sadness....to fill my home....I am so sorry God...I know better! I want you all to know that as I listened to Pastor Chucks sermon today (I missed Sunday) and after listening to Pastor Tony on Monday night I have realized that I can't allow my situation to take over in such a way that it defines me!! I do that a lot...I allow my situations to define me! Don't let your situations take over in such a way that you feel out of control, on a roller coaster, so hurt that you can't function daily...this is not what God desires for us...for me! He desires to work with me through these crazy times in the dessert...gosh after going through all this less than two years ago you would think that I would have it down....God is certainly using this as a reminder and another lesson!
The things around me consume me. I allow things to eat at me, consume my thougths, feelings and sometimes even my actions. I hate it when one thing that you have happen or see can bring on feelings and thought's that are not really in your true nature. I feel like sometimes one thing can feel like tens of thousands of things rising up all around me and against me. The last three years I have delt with health issues and crazy things coming at me and I was able to handle those things in a much better way...almost too good I sometimes feel. I thank God for that!!! Right now my heart is so heavy and I feel angry, anxious, the fear of the unknown....you get the point! My biological father entered my life in a non existent way two years ago when I first became sick. We were searching for family history to help us find out if there is something in his family that would help us understand what was wrong with me...hoping that it would lead to answers to why I was sick and what I may have. At this time I found out that this man was suffering from male breast cancer....which a year later I found turned into bone cancer...which now I just found out turned into a tumor in his pituitary gland. I was awakened last Monday morning and had felt the need to email his ex-wife and see if she had any new information on his condition, I thought ok as soon as I get Emmlayn off to school I will send this email....well she beat me to it! I received an email just as I was ready to sit and write her...thanks God! My answer was in front of me before even asking it! With this email came the news of the tumor they just found along with the news that it could be any time now that he would be gone. So many things raced through my thoughts...ie. "I have to meet him", "how can live with not ever knowing him", "I can't meet the family I have never met at a funeral for the first time" again...you get the point! Luckily I had a dear friend who was there for me and prayed for me and really gave me peace about what I had just found out. Wow...this blog just went way further than I had intended!!! My point is....I have allowed to let this situation and all that comes with it attack me now for over a week!! I have allowed this man and his family to dictate everyday of my life for over a week now!!!! I have allowed myself to not seek God and His will and His comfort in this situation...I let my friend do that for me, I am grateful for that intervention but I should have continued the prayer and seeking on my own too! As I sit here with tears filling my eyes I have realized by writing this that I have allowed this situation to cause pain, hurt, anger, frustration, sadness....to fill my home....I am so sorry God...I know better! I want you all to know that as I listened to Pastor Chucks sermon today (I missed Sunday) and after listening to Pastor Tony on Monday night I have realized that I can't allow my situation to take over in such a way that it defines me!! I do that a lot...I allow my situations to define me! Don't let your situations take over in such a way that you feel out of control, on a roller coaster, so hurt that you can't function daily...this is not what God desires for us...for me! He desires to work with me through these crazy times in the dessert...gosh after going through all this less than two years ago you would think that I would have it down....God is certainly using this as a reminder and another lesson!
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