What God Had Planned

I can't tell what a difference I feel after getting all of that off my chest yesterday!!! If you are like me and you tend to hold all things in you totally understand what I mean!!! I want to share a little with you about the things God had planned for my life when He chose my parents. God knew exactly what He was doing...imagine that!!!! I have the most amazing mom you could ask for...not saying we haven't had our differences...believe me we have...but my mom is that mom that most people would die to have...she stands by me, loves me unconditionally, understands me, allows me to be, me! She has been my biggest fan and support and always been in the stands cheering the loudest!!! When I was sick and in the hospital my mom was off work staying with me during the day and Robert with me at night. My mom...she is a true from God!!!
Now there is my dad...Bob Hardcastle!!! This man is THE most amazing dad!!!!!!! I have to admit that I never really got to know him until I was in my adult years...don't get me wrong, he was always around...I just never took the time to really know him!!! I have this image that has been in my mind and heart since I was little....me, my mom and my dad in a court room talking to a judge....no I was not in trouble...hahahaha!!! My dad was adopting me....I was no longer a Johnston...I was now a Hardcastle....THANK YOU LORD JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My dad is so loving, patient, kind, respectful, caring, understanding, compassionate....so you get the point....if you do not know this man....YOU SHOULD!!!! This is the man that was cheering in the stands, at all the dance recitals, at all the volleyball games....again you get it!!!! This is the man that I would go on walks with my mom and have to pick up any kind of nut and bolt that I found to give to him for his tool box. This is the man that would take a piece of wood and start driving nails into it and then hand me the hammer so that I could hang out in the garage with him and do cool daddy stuff! This is the man who danced (reluctantly) with me to "My Girl" at my wedding!!! This is the man that while I was sick and in the hospital was at my side and shared God's truth me about all I was feeling and told me that he wasn't sure why I was going through what I was but he knew God knew!!! This was also the man who took on an infant and a 6 year old all on his own while I was in and out of the hospital and at home healing. I have to say....my last blog was my feeling in weakness, it was about sharing with you how I hold on to things and keep things hidden in my heart, it was about how God has another time of growing for me through this part of my life journey....I am happy and proud of my family! I am so blessed and overwhelmed (in a good way) at times at how fortunate I am to have the parents I have. I am here to say Thank You Lord for my parents. My biological father chose his life...the drugs...the woman...the controlling mom....but God had another plan for me! I embrace God's plan!!!

FEAR...and other stuff!!!

Psalm 3:6 says, "I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side"

The things around me consume me. I allow things to eat at me, consume my thougths, feelings and sometimes even my actions. I hate it when one thing that you have happen or see can bring on feelings and thought's that are not really in your true nature. I feel like sometimes one thing can feel like tens of thousands of things rising up all around me and against me. The last three years I have delt with health issues and crazy things coming at me and I was able to handle those things in a much better way...almost too good I sometimes feel. I thank God for that!!! Right now my heart is so heavy and I feel angry, anxious, the fear of the unknown....you get the point! My biological father entered my life in a non existent way two years ago when I first became sick. We were searching for family history to help us find out if there is something in his family that would help us understand what was wrong with me...hoping that it would lead to answers to why I was sick and what I may have. At this time I found out that this man was suffering from male breast cancer....which a year later I found turned into bone cancer...which now I just found out turned into a tumor in his pituitary gland. I was awakened last Monday morning and had felt the need to email his ex-wife and see if she had any new information on his condition, I thought ok as soon as I get Emmlayn off to school I will send this email....well she beat me to it! I received an email just as I was ready to sit and write her...thanks God! My answer was in front of me before even asking it! With this email came the news of the tumor they just found along with the news that it could be any time now that he would be gone. So many things raced through my thoughts...ie. "I have to meet him", "how can live with not ever knowing him", "I can't meet the family I have never met at a funeral for the first time" again...you get the point! Luckily I had a dear friend who was there for me and prayed for me and really gave me peace about what I had just found out. Wow...this blog just went way further than I had intended!!! My point is....I have allowed to let this situation and all that comes with it attack me now for over a week!! I have allowed this man and his family to dictate everyday of my life for over a week now!!!! I have allowed myself to not seek God and His will and His comfort in this situation...I let my friend do that for me, I am grateful for that intervention but I should have continued the prayer and seeking on my own too! As I sit here with tears filling my eyes I have realized by writing this that I have allowed this situation to cause pain, hurt, anger, frustration, sadness....to fill my home....I am so sorry God...I know better! I want you all to know that as I listened to Pastor Chucks sermon today (I missed Sunday) and after listening to Pastor Tony on Monday night I have realized that I can't allow my situation to take over in such a way that it defines me!! I do that a lot...I allow my situations to define me! Don't let your situations take over in such a way that you feel out of control, on a roller coaster, so hurt that you can't function daily...this is not what God desires for us...for me! He desires to work with me through these crazy times in the dessert...gosh after going through all this less than two years ago you would think that I would have it down....God is certainly using this as a reminder and another lesson!

questions...

I do not understand why I feel this way tonight?? I have been up, unable to sleep and just asking God, "what?". I have so many questions right now...not negative or bad questions, just questions! As many of you know I coordinate a mom's group at Crossroads Christian Church...I love my church, my church family, the ministries I serve in...!!!!! I want more, I want God to use me in amazing ways this year. I want to clearly hear Him and His plans for me! I want to know His will for me and what I can do better, I WANT TO GROW!!!!! I feel like while I was sick and in and out of the hospital God used that time to grow me closer to Him, since then I have been through more personal struggles and I am still seeking and want more. Last week at church we had baptism services, I was blessed enough to actually be standing at the bottom of the little steps and as people's lives changed through this amazing experience I was helping them out of the baptismal and wrapping a towel around their new changed bodies. It was incredible, words do not describe what this was like!!!! I am forever changed by that act of service. I am also blessed enough to be working closely with someone that I consider to be a mentor. I love Pastor Kathryn!!!! This woman has been there for me in my darkest times, she knows the real me and loves me still, she has a heart like His and I am forever greatful that God placed her in my life. This is a woman that I know with all of my being will be 100% honest with me, not to harm me but to help me grow. So here are my questions to my Abba....

What do you want me to do God?
What are Your plans for me this year in Mom2Mom?
How can I better serve these ladies in a way that will bring You glory?
What do I need to do to grow?
I want to be more transparent God...how?
I want to be taken out of my comfort zone...challenge me, mold me, refine me!

Man...I feel better! Not sure any of this made sense...I am blessed, encouraged, loved.....Thanks!

Had a thought!

I was on my way to Irvine yesterday and started thinking about the past two years. I was trying to understand what brought me to this point in my life. I sometimes hate having too much time alone! I began to think about everything from the beginning of all the sickness and how I was pregnant and sooooo sick and thought about how after Emelia I felt good for about three months. I remember thinking, "thanks God for healing me and for Emelia's good health". In September I began having a little trouble breathing and from there it just became worse! By October it was bad and by November.....well I was in a hospital bed more than my own bed!! Anyway....my faith became soooo strong and I am so thankful for the lessons God taught me through all that I went through...not to mention the amazing blessings that came from it....Rob was baptised, my mom accepted Christ and was baptised, I learned to not sweat the small stuff and I learned that I have the best friends and family EVER!!!!!!!! I was sitting here the other night and was thinking, "are my kids seriously ever going to go to sleep tonight????" (It was 11:00P.M.)!!!! God spoke to me yesterday on my drive.....He said that He gives me times like that with my kiddo's (sorry tears), to make for all the times I was not with them while I was sick. You see, I missed a great deal of both Emmalyn and Emelia's life while in the hospital and even when I was home I was doing good to take care of myself let alone both of my girls! I am so grateful to God for giving me the "make-up" time with my girls!! It was fun watching TV with them and watching them play in the new house. It was a blessing to me!! Thanks God for the lesson you taught me...once again You have blessed my life and reminded me of what is important!!!

The Wiggles!!!!

Emelia was soooo happy as we prepared to see her first concert....The Wiggles!!! Emmalyn was only two when I took her for the first time to The Wiggles and she stood there in awe the entire time...never moved! Emelia....not the same at all!! That girl put on her wiggles concert hat and danced, sang and moved to every song they sang!

Emelia even took a hand made rose to give to Dorothy the Dinosaur. One of the wiggly dancers came out into the audience to get the roses from all the little people in the audience who brought one for the lovable dino. Emelia very carefully gave her rose to the dancer and just stared at him. Every time she sees him on a Wiggles video she makes sure to let you know that he is the one she gave the rose to!!

At the beginning of the concert I handed Rob the camera and he was supposed to be taking pictures...I looked over only to see him singing and smiling at the wiggles instead of taking pictures...from that point on I was in charge of the picture taking!!!!!
We had a great time as a family enjoying something that has been part of our lives for 6 years...The Fabulous Wiggles!!!!!!!

First Concert for Emmalyn!!

Emmalyn and I went to the David Archuleta and Demi Lavato concert at the Nokia center last Friday night! We had a good time aside of the abnoxious screaming that was taking place in my right ear (literally). The picture above was Demi Lavato's tour bus, Emma and I saw them loading some stuff into the big trucks next to her bus.

If you look at the center of the picture...that is Demi singing the theme song to her hit Disney show, Sonny with a chance. Emma had a blast at the concert....ok so at first we had a little trouble with how loud the place was, it made her a little nervous. As soon as David Archuleta hit the stage she was fine and we were singing and dancing to his fab music.

For those that don't know David Archuleta is the runner up for American Idol 2008/2009. I love his music and Emma says he is cute...I have to agree he is cute in a way too young kind of way! The picture above is Emmalyn singing along with David and one of his amazing songs.

This is another picture of David singing "crush". We had a great time that night just my girl and me!!!!! I am looking forward to a lifetime of more moments like these!!! Oh did I mention that this Sat. I get to experience THE WIGGLES in concert for the second time....Emma was a HUGE wiggles fan and Emelia is just as big if not bigger!!! We are ready to ROCK Wiggles style!!!

Let's Go GNO...Woo-Woo!!!

Our Monday night Mom2Mom group had a mommy night out at Rodrigo's!! It was yummy food, good friends, and good music. We wish more of our leaders could of made it but here are the one's that made it...Ariana, Paige, Lisa, Stacy, Lorayne and I!! This ministry is such an amazing blessing to everyone and these amazing women have stepped up and answered God to serve as leaders!

I have been blessed by each woman I have come to know through Mom2Mom over the past 8 years. These women have supported me through a lot of trials with my health and all!

I am excited and greatful to be coordinating this year with Lorayne! She has a fantastic heart for friends and a love for God!! Together, all the leaders that serve here at Crossroads Mom2Mom are going to make our 2009/2010 year one to remember!!!!